TIPS OF THE MONTH

 

         Watch for Subject and click!

         DO NOT HUNT WITH THIS PERSON     

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the
others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday!!! !!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!

14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control
their guns.

22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY have, don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

26. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."

27. Mal-practicing doctors kill millions more people world wide than
legitimate gun owners kill.

 

Exercise for  Older Adults

 

 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you  have

plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each

hand,  extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold

them there as long as  you can. Try to reach a full minute,

and then relax. Each day, you'll find  that you can hold this

position   for just a bit longer. After a couple of  weeks,

move up to 10-lb potato  sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks

and then  eventually try to get to where you can lift a

100-lb potato sack in each hand  and hold your arms

straight  for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)  After you

feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of  the

sacks.

 

82 Strange but true facts . . .
 
Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
 
40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
 
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
 
On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
 
Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
  
Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
 
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
 
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
 
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
 
Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
  
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
 
The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
 
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
 
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
 
Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
 
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
 
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
 
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
 
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
 
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
 
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
  
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
 
The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
 
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
 
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
 
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
 
Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
 
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
 
In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
 
A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
 
We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
 
Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines
 
Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
 
Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
 
Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
 
When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka
 
There are more chickens than people in the world.
 
The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
 
There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
 
The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
 
The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three times each morning.
 
The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
 
The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
 
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
 
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
 
Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears never stop growing.
 
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
 
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.
 
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
 
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
 
When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
 
Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf.
 
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded
 
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
 
Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."
 
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
 
“Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters.
 
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
 
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
 
If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
 
China has more English speakers than the United States
 
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
 
Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
 
An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
 
Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.
 
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime.
 
According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
 
The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi-Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu, which is a New Zealand hill.
 
If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
 
Scientists in Australia’s Parkes Observatory thought they had positive proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a microwave in the building.
 
Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
 
More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss.
 
Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
 
Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
 
The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
 
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States 
 
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
 
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
 
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
 
It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They  make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

 

 

  The following is a poem written by Judge Roy Moore from Alabama.  Judge Moore was sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Commandments in his courtroom foyer.  He has been stripped of his judgeship and now they are trying to strip his right to practice law in Alabama.  The judge's poem sums it up quite well.

America the Beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.


 Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.


Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine,
Choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain.


From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray.


 We've kept God in our temples,
how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.


We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges
who throw reason out the door,


Too soft to place a killer
in a well deserved tomb,
But brave enough to kill a baby
before he leaves the womb.


You think that God's not angry,
that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?


How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?


If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:


Then God will hear from Heaven
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.


But, America the Beautiful,
if you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.


~Judge Roy Moore

Pass this on and let's lift Judge Moore up in prayer.
He has stood firm and needs our support.

IN GOD WE TRUST!
 

 An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

GRANDMA'S CURES*


Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate ! toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant r! elief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loos! ening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola! and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liqui! d does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

 

DANBO (Ray's answer on the decline of doves)

 
I BELIEVE IT IS SEVERAL FACTORS, ONE WE ARE PLANTING ENTIRELY TO MUCH COTTON AND NOT ENOUGH GRAIN TO SUPPORT THE NUMBERS WE USE TO HAVE, TWO FARMERS ARE RETIRING, QUITTING OR FINDING OTHER SOURCES OF INCOME AT AN  ALARMING RATE. THREE THE RED NECK DOVE AKA THE EURASIAN COLLARED DOVE IS WHUPPIN OUR MORNING DOVES BUTT'S AND TAKING OVER THERE NEST AND COMPETING FOR THE SAME DECLINING FOOD SOURCES, FOUR
THE MORNING DOVES IS GETTING SMARTER, HE IS TIRED OF GETTING HIS BUTT KICKED AND HIS NEST AND FOOD TAKEN BY RED NECK DOVE WHICH I MIGHT ADD ARE THE ARNOLD SWARTZANAGGER OF DOVES ON STEROIDS. SO COULD YOU BLAME THEM FOR MOVING TO THE HOOD, AKA SUBURBAN AREAS AND GETTING ON WELFARE, AKA THE EASY LIFE, BACK YARD BIRD FEEDERS.
 

RAY
 

 

Cowboy Wisdom

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you
bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers and Lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered - not yelled.

Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are  the ones you live, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't squat down with your spurs on.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll
enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets,
the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you
shave his  face in the mirror every morning.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a
whole lot  bigger'n you think.

Only cows know why they stampede.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped.

Never, Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.


 

A DOVE SEASON WITHOUT BIRDS


ALL THE PLANNING ALL THE DREAMING ALL THE PLANTING SPENT
NO MATTER WHAT WE DID THE EARLY SEASON CAME AND WENT

LOADED WITH BULLETS, BLASTERS, BUCKETS AND CAMOUFLAGE
THE GREAT WHITE HUNTERS MET AT THE CEDAR HILL LODGE

THEY GREETED EACH OTHER THEN DREW A NUMBER FROM A CAN
THEN TRIED TO TRADE EACH OTHER FOR THEIR FAVORITE STAND

YOU CAN PLOW AND PLANT AND MOW THE SEED UPON THE GROUND
BUT YOU CAN'T DRAW THE BIRDS IF THERE AIN'T NONE AROUND

WE ALL CONSIDERED TAKING LEAVE FROM THIS DREADFUL HOBBY
WHEN WE LEARNED THAT ON THIS DAY THE HIGH MAN WAS ROBBIE

SO VERY FEW MOURNING DOVE WERE KILLED ON THIS OPENING DAY
THAT NIGHT SEVERAL FRIENDS FOR A DRINK AND A RACE DID STAY

WHILE THE RACE WAS RUN OLE DANBO FELT HIS HEAD NEEDED REST
HE LAID HIS HEAD AND NAPPED SO SWEET UPON OLE' WALLY'S CHEST
AND WE'LL BE BACK IN WINTER TIME WITH HOPES THEY FLOCK IN HERDS
FOR THERE IS NO MORE FUN THAN SHOOTING ALL THOSE YANKEE BIRDS

 

THE HLHC EXPLAINED


IT'S A PLACE YOU CAN GO TO RELAX AND UNWIND
YOU CAN SPIT ON THE FLOOR AND NO ONE WILL MIND

THERE'S PLENTY O NICE STANDS FOR YOU TO HUNT DEER
OR YOU CAN STAND BY THE FIRE AND DRINK COLD BEER


YOU CAN STAND BY THE FIRE TIL YOU WARM EVERY SIDE
THEN THERE IS ALWAYS THE CHANCE OF A MIDNIGHT RIDE

THEN AWARDS AT SEASON END ARE NOT MEANT TO BE SILLY
IT TAKES MORE THAN PURE TALENT TO WALK LIKE GILLY

THE MEMBERSHIP IS GREAT AND ENJOYS A GOOD BLAST
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY LET KUNKA LIGHT ANYTHING GAS

OFTEN ARE TIMES WHEN THE CLUB NEEDS A GOOD LEADER
BUT NEVER SOME ONE WHO DANCES WITH A WATER HEATER

WITH SELF GRATIFICATION AND NOT ALL THEM SPOUSES
BRUCE WOULD STILL HAVE HIMSELF PLENTY OF HOUSES

DID YOU SEE MIKEBO HAVE THEM ALL LAUGHING TO TEARS
WHEN HE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT SOME ONE'S BIG EARS

THERE ARE SEVERAL EXPERTS IN THE FIELD OF ELECTRONICS
BUT THERE'S ONLY TWO WHO ARE PROFICIENT AT FUZZBONICS

WHEN A DEER IS KILT THEN YOU MUST GIT YO SELF READY
FOR NEXT COMES THE RIDE OVER TO SEE OLE SHADY GRADY

IF THE DOOR TO THE RED ROOF LOOKS TO BE SO RAGGED
IT'S PROBABLY BEACAUSE JR IS SO DAMNED BOW LEGGED

THAT IS ALL I HAVE FOR NOW CAUSE I'VE RUN OUT OF TIME
WHEN WE CONTINUE I'LL TELL ABOUT MELON BEFORE AGE NINE
 

 

THE WEEK END THAT WUZ by Leroy

 

            THERE ONCE WAS A WEEK END THAT WUZ                

            AT THE HLHC WITH LEROY, MELON AND FUZ

             THE NUMBER OF MEMBERS WAS VERY SKIMPY       

            MOST WERE WITH WIVES ACTING PLUMB WIMPY                

             WHEN FUZZY AND LEROY LEFT FOR THEIR STAND

            A LONG SILENCE FELL OVER THE HARD LUCK LAND

             THERE WAS PLENTY OF LAUGHTER AND SMART LIPS

            EVEN WARNINGS OF THE COMING OF APOCKALYPSE

             BUT WHEN THEY RETURNED FROM THE 96 LAND     

            EVERY ONE SHOUTED “HEY, YOU DA MAN”

             SATURDAY MORNING DAWNED BRIGHT AND CLEAR

            WHEN MELON LEFT THE OUT HOUSE HE KILT A DEER

             WHEN EVENING TIME CAME THE CAMP WAS A BUZ

            A BUCK WAS TAKEN BY THE GREAT HUNTER  FUZ

            THAT IS THE TALE OF LEROY AND MELON AND FUZ

            DOWN AT THE HARD LUCK  THE WEEK END THAT WUZ

 

 A DOVE SEASON WITHOUT BIRDS by Leroy
            
      
       ALL THE PLANNING ALL THE DREAMING ALL THE PLANTING SPENT
       NO MATTER WHAT WE DID THE EARLY SEASON CAME AND WENT

       LOADED WITH BULLETS, BLASTERS, BUCKETS AND CAMOFLAGE
       THE GREAT  WHITE HUNTERS  MET AT  THE  CEDAR  HILL LODGE
      
       THEY GREETED EACH OTHER THEN DREW A NUMBER FROM A CAN
        THEN TRIED TO TRADE EACH OTHER FOR THEIR FAVORITE STAND

       YOU CAN PLOW AND PLANT AND MOW THE SEED UPON THE GROUND
        BUT  YOU  CAN'T  DRAW  THE  BIRDS  IF THERE  AIN'T NONE  AROUND             
 
        WE ALL CONSIDERED TAKING LEAVE FROM THIS DREADFUL HOBBY   
        WHEN WE LEARNED THAT ON THIS  DAY THE HIGH MAN WAS ROBBIE              

        SO VERY FEW MOURNING DOVE WERE KILLED ON THIS OPENING DAY
        THAT NIGHT SEVERAL FRIENDS FOR A DRINK AND A RACE DID STAY 

     WHILE THE RACE WAS RUN OLE DANBO FELT HIS HEAD NEEDED REST                   
        HE LAID HIS HEAD AND NAPPED SO SWEET UPON OLE' WALLY'S CHEST                
     AND WE'LL BE BACK IN WINTER TIME WITH HOPES THEY FLOCK IN HERDS
       FOR THERE IS NO MORE FUN THAN SHOOTING ALL THOSE YANKEE BIRDS

 

                    

PHYSICIANS WARNING

 A.  The number of physicians in the   U.S. is 700,000.

 B.  Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.

 C.  Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human
 Services)

 Then think about this:

A.  The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes,
 eighty-million!).

 B.  The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is
1,500.

 C.  The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

 FACT:   NOT   EVERYONE  HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST  EVERYONE HAS AT
LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.  We must ban doctors
 before this gets out of hand.  As a public service, I have omitted the
 medical attention

 

BEAUTY WHERE YOU FIND IT (By Leroy)

this spring while weeding my garden one clear and lovely  day  
a mourning dove lit and watched me toil,not even,ten feet away,

i paused my work and watched this bird,a sittin on the ground
he turned his head not just toward  me ,but looking all around

he was so near i watched him close and all his his hue was plain 
i wondered why i shot  these birds and caused them so much pain

 today as i watched this bird, watching me, it came  to me all so clear                  i
i should never kill a bird or cause him harm, but his cooing i should hear
i challenge you from this day,to listen for and enjoy his mournful call    




and while you do i'll buss his eggs and kill 'em one and all
       

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

 

SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION

Feet cold and wet

Glass being held at incorrect angle

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Improper bladder control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

Glass empty

Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward

Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts

You have fallen forward

See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on somebody cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear

It's water

Somebody is trying to sober you up.  Punch him

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in

You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song

Beer is just right

Play air guitar

 

                 Me and Booger by LeRoy

 

WE PLANNED US A TRIP TO OUR BEST FISHIN HOLE

WE LINED EACH REEL AND CHECKED EACH POLE

WE ALL HAD TO BUY SOME GADGETS AND A TOY

BUT WE COULDN’T OUT GADGET THE INTERNET BOY

ALL WERE ON TIME NOT A PERSON DARED BE LATE

AT FOUR O CLOCK WE WERE ON THE INTERSTATE

DRIVING TO THE SOUTHWEST, TRUCKS PULLING BOATS

WE COULDN’T WAIT TO GET TO THE ISLAND OF GOATS

WE LAUNCHED THE METAL SHIPS TO SAIL THE LAKE

TROLLING FOR THE FISH THAT WERE THERE TO TAKE

ALL CAUGHT SOME FISHES BUT NEVER ENOUGH

THEN TO THE BAR WHERE IT GOT A LITTLE ROUGH

BRUCE GOT WORRIED AND IT MADE HIM REAL SAD

ACTED SURPRISED THAT THE LANGUAGE WAS BAD

SATURDAY WAS DIFFERENT NOT ONCE DID HE FUSS

CAUSE BY THAT NIGHT HE HAD LEARNED HOW TO CUSS

WE FISHED IN THE LAKE AND WE FISHED IN THE CREEK

MINE AND BOOGER’S CATCH LOOKED KIND OF MEEK

WHILE EATING LUNCH I STARTED TO SHAKE AND SHIVER

WHEN BOOGER SAID “LET’S GO TO THE LITTLE RIVER”

I SAID BRUCE HAS FISHED THERE AND HE DID NO GOOD

BOOGER SAID WHAT THE HELL, DID YOU THINK HE WOULD

WE STARTED TO TROLL LITTLE RIVER AT THREE ELEVEN

AND WE LEFT AT DARK WITH A CATCH OF THIRTY SEVEN

IF IT IS THE MORAL OF THIS STORY YOU NEED TO SEE

STAY AWAY FROM BRUCE AND FOLLOW BOOGER AND ME

 

To be a Democrat, you have to believe that ….


1.  The AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
>2.  Trial lawyers are selfless heroes and that doctors are overpaid.

3.  Global temperatures are affected more by a suburban soccer mom
    driving an SUV than by documented, cyclical variations in the
    brightness and intensity of the sun.

4.  Guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat
     than nuclear, chemical and biological weapons in the hands of
     Saddam Hussein.

5.  Businesses create oppression and government creates prosperity.

6.  Self-esteem is more important than doing anything to earn it.

7.  There was no art before federal funding.

8.  The NRA is a bad organization because it stands up for certain parts
     of the Constitution, but the ACLU is a good organization because it
     stands up for certain parts of the Constitution.

9.  Taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

10. Standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas are not.

11. ANY change in the weather is proof of global warming.

12. National wealth is determine by what we consume, not by what we
      produce.

13. The only wars in which America should become involved are those
      in which our national security is not at risk.

14. Perjury and obstruction of justice are impeachable if a Republican
      president commits them; but a harmless, private matter if a
      Democrat president commits them.

15. America can have a strong military without spending money on it.

16. The way to improve public school is to give more money and power
      to the very people who have misused that power and money to
      destroy the public schools.

17. Hunters and fishermen do not care about the environment but
      pasty-faced activists that rarely venture out-of-doors do.

18. A bureaucrat living in Washington, D.C. can make better decisions
      about how to spend the money that you earn than you can.

19. Being a movie or television star qualifies you to speak out on public
      policy.

20. Hillary Clinton is a wonderful example for young women of feminine
      independence, even though she has never accomplished anything
      worthwhile without riding on the coattails of her husband.

21. A handful of religious whackos living in rural Texas are more of a
      threat to public safety than Islamic terrorists who wish to plant
      bombs in major American cities.

22. Passing new laws are a much better way to curb crime than
      enforcing the existing ones.

23. Tax cuts are for people who don’t actually pay income taxes.

Q: Which party took Social Security from an independent fund and put it in the general fund so that Congress could spend it? 

A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the Democratic-controlled House and
Senate. 

Q: Which party put a tax on Social Security? 

A: The Democratic party. 

Q: Which party increased the tax on Social Security? 

A: The Democratic Party with Al Gore casting the deciding vote. 

Q Which party decided to give your Social Security money to
immigrants?   

A: That's right, the Democratic Party. Immigrants that move into this country, at age 65, get SSI and they have never paid a dime into the system.
This is costing us millions of dollars. 

Then, after doing all this, the Democrats turn around and tell you the Republicans want to take your Social Security away from you. The worst part about it is that people forget who did what!  

What can you do? Circulate this to remind people so they'll remember
It during the next election. 
 


 

 

Ready for Talquin by Leroy

In the  3rd month of the year that ends in number of the most famous race car of all time there will be small metal ships that move without wind on a body of water, with many trees underneath. The pilots of these craft will call themself fishermens. On this trip they will catch many big fish. They will make their own full moon if it is needed to catch these fishes. Their necks will be red. Some will have secret baits and sell them to others in the group for large profits. This will lead to offers of  homosexual favors but the two goodlookin ones, with the secrets, will turn down the offers. Nightime will sound like many large bee hives. Drinks known as "LIKKER DRANKS" will flow freely in the evening hours.

  A Republican and a Democrat were walking down
  the street when they came to a homeless person.
  The Republican gave the homeless person his
  business card and told him to come to his business
  for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his
  pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
 
  The Democrat was very impressed, and when they
  came to another homeless person, he decided to help.
  He walked over to the homeless person and gave
  him directions to the welfare office. He then reached
  into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars.
  He kept 15 for administrative fees and gave the
  homeless person five.
 
  Now you understand the difference between
  Republicans and Democrats.

 

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway
 

I love you in 25 Languages


English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas,
North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee,
Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia,
& Kentucky . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Ass, Get in the truck!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND D.A.M.N NEAR EVERYBODY
1.      What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
2.      Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
3.      Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
4.      What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
5.      What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
6.      Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either.
7.      What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
8.      Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the S.e.x Ed class uses it.

9.      What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

10.     How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

11.     What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s.h.i.t..."

12.     Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!
13.     And my, my, how times have changed. Years ago when 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan. Today they call it the PGA TOUR!!!

WARNING

 

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without
spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

 

Thangs I Learned At Talquin

By Dennis (Leroy) Snider

Whip poor will's has a reputation to uphold
Rain feels worse when the wind is blowing at 40 knots
The love between two men can evaporate over a simple liquor drank
What is a double backflop
Don't walk in the other bedroom barefoot
The big house has a sturdy table
Mofo O and I can perform chiropractic manipulations on tables
We have a new circus act called the Gump Sisters
Bruce can cook, with proper supervision
Fried breamettes is good
Cornbread mixed without milk will do in a tight
Vern don't have liquor dranks for his guide like longlegs does
Vern may need to fix his boat before the next trip
Vern is a jigilo mofo
Booger is a fine figure of a man, but fishes poorly
Fishin poles break easily
Mercuries will not run without gas
Shortcuts ain't always what they appear
Battries charge better with the charger plugged in
Ray ain't partial to B O's snore
Booger can sleep through a indoor tornado
Vern can't out mofo Mofo O, but came in second.
Fish suck and I am now putting them on the same list as Duv Birds (to be eradicated)
We had a ball and shall return, ( with Lights )