Redneck Stuff

Learn To Speak Redneck                   Sing Dixie

You Might be a Redneck If.....

10  Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people won't admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people won't admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. 'Jump out and run' is not in any insurance policies.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami & Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people won't admit

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8 Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

 

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the
trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck
happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. it's more like a jar of jalapenos. 
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Redneck Pick-Up Lines

 1) Did you fart? . . . cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? . . . cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . . . I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? . . . cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? . . . cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a squirrel . . .

7) You might not be the best lookin’ gal here . . . but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone . . . but I bet I can make yer "bed-rock."

10) I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? . . . I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.

12) If you are going to regret this in the mornin’ . . . we can sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench . . . . . . .

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1.  Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.  Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.  Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.  Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking  "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

The Hormone Guide

 Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------ -------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Redneck movement is invading mainstream America

------

By Bill Reed

THE GAZETTE

You might be a redneck if you think an arm curl is when you lift a pitcher of beer.

You might be a redneck if "karaoke" is what you do for your pal from Oklahoma after he's had too many Natural Lites.

Or you might be a redneck if you notice big-city marketers sniffing around your wallet like a hound dog on a hot scent.

Redneck cool. Trailer-park fabulous. White-trash chic. Blue-collar vogue. Whatever you choose to call it, it is hip. And the smart money knows there is cash to be made in peddling down-home culture.

The redneck shtick is nothing new to pop culture. From "Hee Haw" to "Roseanne" to Kid Rock, it spans the decades.

But the redneck movement is reaching critical mass. It is invading mainstream America - and mutating in the process.

Redneck, once an insult, has come to mean "Everyman" or "just folks." And it's been swirled together with other terms: the even more insulting "white trash," and the industrial "blue collar," a broader term for laborers in America. In this world, if you are not a Martha-Stewart-watching, decoupagemaking prissy, then you are a redneck. Redneck-revolution icon Jeff Foxworthy defined the term as a "glorious lack of sophistication," a club inclusive of durn near everyone.

"Between New York and L.A., there's 200 million people who aren't hip," Foxworthy told an interviewer in 2002. "We're guys who like our wives and like our kids, and our families drive us crazy but we love 'em. It's kind of the all-American thing."

Michele Companion, professor of sociology at the University of Colorado, has a real fancy term for the "I'm a redneck and I'm proud" mindset: frame transformation.

"As far as social movements, there's a phenomenon called frame transformation, where groups have historically tried to take a concept and reframe it, to take a negative and shift it toward the positive, turn it into a celebration rather than a pejorative," Companion said. "It creates a sense of belonging and pride, even if you are in a lower economic class. 'We have a culture and we can celebrate it.'"

She said the gay movement has tried it with "queer," the women's movement has tried it with "bitch," and hip-hop has tried to do it with the most touchy racial epithet of all.

"The level of successes have been partial at best," Companion said. The term may come to be positive within the group for a time, but it usually remains an insult in the long term.

In the meantime, folks are making hay while the sun shines.

"Actually, we're talking about having a white trash party, and making everybody dress up and play Southern rock, or something," said Geoff Brent, general manager of The Black Sheep, a live music venue in Colorado Springs.

When the club owners want to spotlight a show, they whip out the All-You-Can-Drink PBR special for $7 ('cause there's nothing quite like a few hundred rowdy people pressed together, trying to get their money's worth of Pabst Blue Ribbon). It's a perfect storm when the PBR flows at the shows of one of the hottest bands in this neck of the woods - The Great Redneck Hope.

"There's definitely a resurgence" in redneck culture, Brent said. "It's irony to the extreme, to the point where you can't tell if you're joking or not. It's one of those things that starts as a joke and then just gets to be a part of life."

It's the joke aspect that bothers some sociologists: They have a problem with monied people imitating the poor and making fun of them at the same time.

Pennsylvania State University sociologist Karen Bettez Halnon called it "poor chic" in an interview with The Washington Post.

"This is making fun of poverty, making it recreation," she said, "but divorced of any kind of social obligation."

And terms like "white trash" carry more history than a few PBRs can wash away. Gretchen Wilson delivers her redneck anthem with fun and celebration, a few light-hearted references to shopping at Wal-Mart and leaving her Christmas lights out all year. But a generation ago, David Allan Coe's country music ode to the white trash life, "If That Ain't Country," was laced with anger and bitterness as he sang about his drunk father and jailed brother.

Of course, there's not a lot of money to be made off the truly poor. Marketers are better off aiming at the masses with satellite radios, iPods and enough cash for comedy shows - people who hunger to be as regular as redneck folks.

How big is the redneck? Connect the dots and the trend shines brighter than a big, fat 'skeeter getting fried on a bug zapper:

Trucker hats and big belt buckles are in.

Gretchen Wilson proudly belts out "Redneck Woman," the Dixie Chicks swagger on "White Trash Wedding" and Toby Keith keeps honky tonkin' on his newest album, "White Trash with Money."

NASCAR has grown from a regional sport in the Southeast to be the second most popular sport in America (after football), based on TV ratings.

"My Name Is Earl," starring Jason Lee, makes some of us feel like our uncles have their own TV shows.

Pabst Blue Ribbon has become the latest hipster beer, after decades of being consumed only by old cheeseheads sitting around ice-fishing holes.

Books such as "The Redneck Wedding Planner" ("You should NEVER share a septic tank with his momma") and "White Trash Etiquette" are hitting shelves.

Online retailers such as White Trash Palace and Jolene's Trailer Park have become available to high-tech rednecks.

And, of course, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy and Ron 'Tater Salad' White have turned the Blue Collar Comedy franchise into a genuine phenomenon. 'The Blue Collar Comedy Tour' movie has sold more than 2.5 million copies and spawned a show on the WB, and the Blue Collar Comedy channel launched recently on Sirius Satellite Radio.

 1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

 4. "Howdy, pardner."

 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

 6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

 7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

 8. "Let's mount up!"

 9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

 10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

Redneck Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home!
 
*** DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
 
*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
 
*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
 
*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
 
*** WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
 
*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***
 
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
 

ONE LINERS

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!  
24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile! because I don't know what in the world is going on.
 

21 Ways to be a Good Democrat

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no Art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
 
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but urban activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that having self-esteem is more important than self-respect or actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
 
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it attacks certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person, and she really loves Bill.
 
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.  But, complain, that all of our jobs are going out of America to China ?

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

From James J.:

Widja Didja- Hey you didn’t bring your truck widja didja?

Mayonnaise- Mayonnaise a lot of people here this evening.

Aorta- Aorta cut that grass before it gets to high.

Initiate- My mom had a hamburger, a hotdog, initiate a honey bun.

Ascot- I was uptown all day and boy my ascot tired.

European- (you know where this one is going don’t you.) Hey dude turn that way, European on my boot.

Jamaican- I called my mom last night and said, “Hey, what Jamaican for dinner?”

Juicy- Juicy the size of that deer that just walked by?

"I do love be a "Southerner".

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to
town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of
cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also
know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile
or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, 'y'all' is singular....'all y'all" is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you
are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and
go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this
Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes
on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
____
 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

Click here: The Yankee or Dixie quiz <http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/yankee_dixie_quiz.html>

 Top 15 Country Songs or 2004 
You can almost hear the melody to some of these !!!
15.    If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14.    If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
13.    How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12.    I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11.    I'm Still Missing You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
10.    I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9.      I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
8.      I'm So Miserable  Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7.      If I Had Shot You When I first Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of    Prison By Now
6.      My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5.      She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4.      You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3.      Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2.      She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And, the Number-One Favorite Country Song of 2004 is:
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Have Woke Up With A Few.
 

COOL INFO!
1. Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain
almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused
by traditional "pain relievers."
2. Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent
salve for burns?
3. Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler
filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously
strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
4. Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon
horseradish in = cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then
apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
5. Sore Throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of
honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
6. Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just
dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the
symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost
instantly -- even though the product has never been advertised for this
use.
7. Eliminate puffiness under your eyes..... All you need is a
dab of Preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the
eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the
swelling instantly.
8. Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a
dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria,
keeps the skin, sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
9. Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of
unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The
powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
10. Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in
eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear
nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
11. Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust
removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the
rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job
done.
12. Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing
bees wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't
find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the
ground instantly.
13. Smart splinter remover... just pour a drop of Elmers Glue
all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The
splinter sticks to the dried glue.
14. Hunt's tomato paste boil cure... cover the boil with Hunt's tomato
paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and
bring the boil to a head.
15. Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab
on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.
16. Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in
white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar
reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
17. Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick.
Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly.
Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
18. Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from
the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer
sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
19. Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn
oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball.
Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin,
smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
20. Vaseline cure for hair balls..... To prevent troublesome
hair balls, apply a dollop of Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's
nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its
stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.
21. Quaker Oats for fast pain relief.... It's not forbreakfast
anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl
and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the
mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
22. If you send this to 15 people and only one of them doesn't
know about this, then it was all worth it.
 

Social Security (FICA) Program

Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program.  He promised:

   1.) That participation in the Program would be completely voluntary,

   2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual incomes into the Program,

   3.) That the money the participants elected to put into the Program would be deductible from their income for tax purposes each year,

   4.) That the money the participants put into the independent "Trust Fund" rather than into the General operating fund, and therefore, would only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program, and no other Government program, and,

   5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to "put away," you may be interested in the following:

Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the independent "Trust" fund and put it into the General fund so that Congress could spend it?

A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the Democratically-controlled House and Senate.

Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

A: The Democratic Party.

Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities?

A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the "tie-breaking" deciding vote as President of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the U.S.

Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving annuity payments to immigrants?

A: That's right!  Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party.  Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive SSI Social Security payments!  The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!

Then, after doing all this lying and thieving and violation of the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!

And the worst part about it is, uninformed citizens believe it!

 

 Captured by the Iraq Radicals

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.

Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine."

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives..

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal assholes call ME the aggressor?"

 

Republican vs. Democrat

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.  She
lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,”You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level... You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You! Must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault

Liberals

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, barney with bullet in pockets, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer. Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.

Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet"

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

 Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" Here is the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The RetroSexual Code :

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.

Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reasons why a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservior Dogs, Fight Club,etc .

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious

healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2^nd Lt) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.

 SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I (GOOD STUFF)

 What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
 Juan on Juan.

 What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
 The position of the dirt bag.

 Why is divorce so expensive?
 Because it's worth it.

 SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
 What do you call a smart blonde?
 A golden retriever.

 What do attorneys use for birth control?
 Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
 45 lbs.

 What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
 45 minutes.

 What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
 Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 Why do men want to marry virgins?
 They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
 Because those men already have boyfriends.

 What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
 After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

 What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"

 Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 Breasts don't have eyes.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
 Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
 A different bar.

 Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
 They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

 What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
 A speech impediment.

 What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
 They're hiring.

 What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
 A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

 How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
 Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
 A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh * t..."

 Why is there no Disneyland in China?
 No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

 

 "Y'allbonics."

If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.

HEIDI: (noun) Greeting.

HIRE YEW: (complete sentence) Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD: (verb) Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH: (noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER: (noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS: (noun) A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK: (verb) Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a Coke."

RANCH: (noun) A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL: (noun) A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR: (noun) A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR: (noun) A rubber wheel. Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE: (noun) A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD: (verb) To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FARN: (adjective) Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID: (adjective) Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

ARE: (noun) A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen. Usage: "He cain't >breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR: (noun) A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

'SOUTHERNISMS'
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you
PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard
greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess" (as in
mess of greens).

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly"is - as in:
Going to town, be back directly. (generally pronounced dreckly)

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a
pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and
a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large 'nanner puddin'!)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that
just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference
between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb. (As in, I was fixin to go over to Betty Lous. Or, we
had a huge Christmas dinner with all the fixins. Or Are you fixin my car
next?)

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name, or
something that jumps out at you in the darkand scares the daylights out
of you..

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing inlines.
We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're IN, not ON,
a line we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to only one person as "y'all"..more
than one is way more than one, it's "all y'all".

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. We recognize milk
gravy when we see it, know what to do with it and wonder what the heck
you other people eat on your biscuits.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin',"
you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates it contains sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened . "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart" and go your own way.
 

Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin: Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, North-easterners, North-westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

 Over the years I have made several attempts to acclimate my friends to my Southern ways. Perhaps this will help...


1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit
and a conniption, and that you "PITCH" one, -- and you "HAVE" the other.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as
in: "Going to town, be back directly.

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a
pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might
not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture
of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried
chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana
puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between
"right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the
road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference
between a redneck, a good ole boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We
don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to
everybody!

13.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.

14.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

15.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

16.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast
food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

17.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ... ,"
you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

18.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. (And I add to
this statement that when true Southerners say 'light bread' that they
mean the 'store-bought-sliced variety and most of the time they mean the
white kind, no matter the brand name.).

19.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends,
you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.

20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at ittle
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart" and go your own way.

21.) When my mother was on the phone telling her gossiping friend
"Shut your mouth" that meant tell me more and tell me quick.

22.) Churren is used to tell how big your family is. Me and my husband
have eleven churren.


23.) When a true southerer is "aiming" it does not involve gunsights
it means he has intentions.

TOP 10 WAYS THAT HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN...

#10 -- YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD .44 FOR A NEW .22.

#9 -- YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.

#8 -- IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL
PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 -- YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR
A BACK UP.

#6 -- YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 -- HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

#2 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman:

#1 -- YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!

Damn Tree Hugger

Bill of Non Rights

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President.

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You
may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans
are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means
that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are
from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from.
(lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage.
This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and
history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

Growing up in Kansas and Colorado, I find it funny that I've never dated a redneck. Both my father and brother are proud rednecks, but I never managed to snag a cowboy in the goth circles I ran around with. So these dating tips are not from experience. But I swear if the right redneck struck my fancy, I'd be sure to follow this sound advice. Hee-haw!

• Brush up on your hunting and fishing skills. Any woman who can clean a fish will capture a redneck's heart.
• You'll impress your redneck if you can cook anything in the Elvis cookbook. Ribs or anything that invloves barbeque sauce will also be a big hit.
• When he says "Let's go make out at the tractor pull," don't laugh. He's not joking.
• If he gives you a gunrack for Christmas, it means he really loves you.
• Don't mock Elvis. Ever.
• Always keep plenty of Pabst six-packs and beef jerky in your fridge.
• Be prepared to watch a lot of professional wrestling. He'll think it's sexy.
• Before you kiss him, make sure he takes that toothpick out of his mouth.
• Be open-minded about the definition of romance. To him, it might mean spray-painting your name on a water tower.
• Don't offer to make curtains for his monster truck. The other guys will just hassle him.
• Make friends with his hunting dogs. They will more than likely come before you in most cases.
• Let go of the idea of changing his wardrobe. He takes pride in all the free T-shirts he can get from smoking four packs of Marlbro a day.
• Get a good health insurance plan. His idea of fun might be to take you tornado chasing.
• If you are an animal-rights activist or a vegetarian, you might want to re-think your relationship. There's a good chance he's into taxidermy.
• Try not to make fun of the furniture in his living room. A cable spool makes a damn-cool end table.
• Don't expect diamond earrings on your birthday. He does most of his shopping in the same place he gets his motor oil.
• If he says you look like Daisy Duke, he's paying you an awfully high compliment.
• Lard is not a sex aid.
• When you ask to see his art, don't be surprised if the frame is a toilet seat, or if his masterpiece is painted on velvet.
• Being hog-tied is not the best form of foreplay. Watch out for rope burns.

All contents copyright © 1998 by Bonnie Burton.

 SOMETIMES


Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.





Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.





Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.





Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.














But FART!!  

 just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!
 

The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)

1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!
 

WARNING---WATCH OUT FOR THESE NEW VIRUSES--NEITHER SYMANTEC OR MCAFEE HAVE ANY SOLUTIONS FORTHESE YET!

THE AL GORE Virus ...Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

THE CLINTON Virus.... Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO Memory.

THE BOB DOLE (aka VIAGRA) virus... Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

THE LEWINSKY virus... Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... Saves your data, but forgets where it is  stored.

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... Quits after two bytes.

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... Deletes all old files.

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...Disks can no longer be inserted.

THE PROZAC virus...Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor  doesn't care.

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... Only attacks minor files.

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... Terminates some files, leaves, but  will be back.

and the favorite...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows
 

 Auburn Guide To Dating Etiquette

1. Do not enter your aubie date in a female mud-wrestling contest without asking her permission.

The Cajun Ten Commandments

(unaltered original version found in Deut 5:6-12)

Are You A Bad American?

Yes, I'm a Bad American
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a Bad American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.


I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English. And if you are a citizen of the United States start speaking the language.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?


I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, which branch of the Government he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.

Can I get an Amen on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents, a married man and woman.

I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it's sex, and this applies even if you are President of the United States.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a Bad American, then yes, I'm a Bad American. If you are a Bad American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!